The Perfect Goodbye: Reflections on my mother’s passing

awakening reflection (blog post) conscious parenting life May 05, 2023
Vibrant hydrangea flowers in full bloom, symbolizing love and the presence of a departed loved one.

By Dr Shuna Marr

A year ago today - in fact to the very hour, as I post this - my mum died. One moment she was sitting chatting with my brother and I, and a few minutes later she was gone.

She was 87 and had been frail for a while, but it was sudden and unexpected.

What I found most interesting (both at the time and in the year since) is that I haven't suffered.

Yes, I have had some times of sadness, of course, and I've had lots of moments of tears, but my most overwhelming emotion continues to be one of gratitude.

I remain in awe and amazement at how the Universe managed to manifest a magnificent end to our journey together.

I cannot go into all the stories and synchronicities that led to this point, or this would become a book - although maybe one day I'll write one, as it's a worthy tale... but let me share just a few of the things I've been grateful for.

A Complex Relationship

I’ve had a very long journey with my mum and at times it’s been very difficult. In my early 40's there was almost a decade when we didn't speak, when I was estranged from my birth family.

For 20+ years I went on my own inner healing journey and dealt with a LOT of the wounding around this.

As I healed, my relationship with my mum began to repair.

Healing and Reconnection

The big turning point was in 2019, when the Covid lockdown meant that I took her into my 'bubble'. I visited every week and we spoke every day on Zoom, for about 18 months.

As time went on, things got warmer between us, as the trust between us was rebuilt, and it improved so much that in January 2022 she moved into a granny flat in our house.

Forgiveness and Catharsis

Over the 4 months she lived with us, we were able to make the final repairs to our relationship.

We had some long, deep and cathartic conversations about the difficult times we'd been through, talking with great candour. We were both able to make our peace with it and come to forgiveness for everything.

Nothing that needed to be said was left unsaid, and at the end all that was left between us was the love.

I feel such gratitude for that.

I don't know how many people, who've had a journey like ours, would manage to heal the wounds between them to that extent.

Cherished Memories

I'm grateful for the happy times we had when she was with us, and the memories we shared over those last few months.

Even in the last few days of her life we had fun - going to the cinema on Monday and hooting with laughter on Tuesday evening when my son came over to play cards.

I'm grateful that she was alert and enjoying her life right to the end, despite her frailty. She loved seeing her grandchildren and great grandchildren and was so glad to have seen so much of them.

The Perfect Goodbye

As I wasn't with my dad when he died 10 years ago, I had said to Spirit that I wanted to be with Mum at the end - and I'm so grateful that I was holding her hand when it happened.

So the reason I didn't suffer at the time of her death was because I’d no regrets, nothing to wish hadn't happened that way, nothing I wish I'd said.

These can be the things that haunt us and cause us to suffer, because we are in resistance to the reality as it happened, and wish it hadn't happened, or had happened another way.

And yet I have no resistance to it - it was all as perfect as a death could be.

Beautiful Synchronicities

Even a half an hour difference before or afterwards would have made an enormous difference to the experience. But the synchronicities and nudges the Universe made to make it happen in that moment were amazing...

... even down to my mum having set her alarm for 7.30 pm (instead of 7.30am)

Because there was no alarm to wake her, she was still in bed when I arrived that morning. It meant I got to help her dress and share time with her that once last time.

It also meant that I was still there when my brother arrived, when I'd usually have left before then.

And it meant I was on one side of her when she suddenly went. So she died peacefully between her two eldest children and I thank Spirit that I was given that gift.

Signs from Beyond

And in the months afterwards, my mum turned up a few times, to show she was still with me.

I know it was her, because the first time happened when I was in an energy session with a friend (who also happens to be a medium) and she said

"Shuna, your mum is trying to come through and she's being quite insistent. She's showing me images of hydrangeas. I'm just getting image after image of hydrangeas - does that mean anything to you?"

And it did.

My mum and I shared a love of gardening and when she moved to my house, we planned to replant the front garden together and, the day before her death, I'd just planted 3 hydrangea bushes in the front garden for her.

Nobody else knew that - and that's why I know that my mum lives on and is still with me.

A Heart Full of Gratitude

So today, on the anniversary of her death, I had a little weep because I miss her physical presence, but I also felt the most overwhelming gratitude at having had a relationship that pushed us both until we reached the stage where we could finally share unconditional love.

For that I will always be grateful.


PS I also wanted to mention that Roslyn, my daughter and business partner, had to explain GG's (for Great Grandmother) death to my grandson, who was 3 years old at the time.

Roslyn's Instagram channel: consciousparentinglife, is aimed at conscious parenting for awakened parents, grandparents and caregivers of young children.

She put together a brilliant little Instagram booklet that covers how to explain the death of a loved one to a small child with a limited understanding of life and death.

Clicking the picture below will take you directly to the Instagram post and the booklet:

You can find out more about Conscious Parenting Life and sign up for her email list HERE.

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